Barefoot
by moonswirl
Summary: Gleekathon, day two hundred and three: Quinn thinks about what this pregnancy has done to her life, and her feelings toward the baby.


_Started my daily ficlets to make the hiatus pass, then decided to keep going with a second cycle, and then a third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh and eigth cycle, and ninth cycle._

_Now comes the tenth cycle. And since that feels like it should be special, this is what I'm doing: Cycle 10 will feature my top 15 of some favorite things from Glee. Characters, ships, friends... It will be daily ficlets for numbers 15 down to 2, but number 1 will be a 7-chapter story :) Here we go!_  
_**Coming in at number two!**_

* * *

**"Barefoot"  
Quinn**

She didn't even remember what it felt like not being pregnant. She didn't remember the way she used to be. It was easy for everyone else not to think about it… She didn't have that luxury. She would look down, or her hand would brush her stomach… She would just move, stand… she felt it all.

She wasn't herself anymore.

Just months ago, she was popular, head cheerleader, president of the celibacy club… thin… She was kind of a bitch…

She wasn't exactly all good and whole now, but she knew she wasn't that girl anymore. As much as she would have preferred for it to go another way, it had gotten her to mature.

She had another sonogram that day. She was already dreading it, for more than one reason. One, of course, was for the money. She knew how much these cost, and how difficult it would be to pay it off. It wasn't the only part, the only reason that involved the anticipated regret.

Whatever would happen in the end, she was aiming to give away this little girl inside her. It was easy not to think about her like a person that could change her life, at first, when 'she' was just an 'it' a stick had told her was there. She still looked like herself, she still felt like herself, except for the unpleasantness that was morning sickness. She was good old Quinn Fabray, with all that she'd earned.

Then as time had gone by, an invisible hand had come along, hovering over her life and plucking away one thing after the other. Pluck! Cheerleading, gone. Pluck! Body, gone. Pluck, pluck, pluck! Parents, Finn, respect… all gone. Now everything was gone, and she had to go on living in nothingness.

For a while, she'd wanted to hate it… her… It was because of her that she'd lost everything, wasn't it? No pregnant girls on the squad, no slim way around allowing her growth, no shaming daughters at home, no cheating liar, no… loser… She wanted to put all that blame on two shoulders still growing… It wasn't like she could defend herself in this.

The mood had faded away eventually though. She knew if there was one who should receive blame, it was Quinn herself. It was what she'd done that created it all… including that baby girl.

And she couldn't blame her anymore. She wasn't an 'it' anymore, she was a 'she,' and as much as Quinn had wanted to resist it, she did love her. She was the one person who couldn't deceive or abandon her in that moment, and more than that, Quinn wanted to make sure she would get to live her life, a good life…

She remembered all these little moments. She remembered the first ultrasound, seeing her there, real… a girl. She remembered the first time she'd looked at herself and seen… she actually looked pregnant. She'd been gaining weight, but that roundness… She'd stood there, looking at her reflection… She remembered the first time she'd felt her move. It had caught her completely by surprise, and her hands had moved to rest on her belly… It was one of the few times throughout this whole process where her tears were actually for joy and not sadness. She remembered all these things because she knew… they would probably be all the memories she could hope to have and hold on to, between her and this little girl. She could never forget, no matter how her life went after this baby was born, and gone… that she had existed in her life… her first child.

She'd gone to the appointment on her own. She didn't know why more scandal mattered to her at this point, but she didn't want them to ask why all of a sudden she was with Puck instead of Finn. They didn't need to know.

She lay back on that table, with the cold gel on her belly, and she let out a breath before she looked to the screen…

She'd gotten so much bigger since the last time… Quinn figured she would have, of course, but still… seeing her there on the screen… The happy tears came again. The doctor assured her everything was fine, and Quinn let out another breath, laying her head back forward.

She left the doctor's office with a new DVD in hand, trying to focus not on the horrible bill that would come, but her baby girl, who was growing, and healthy…

She had to stop thinking about her like she was hers. It was an easy trap to slide into. She was right there, every day, how could she not be hers? That was the dread… She had bonded with her in some way, how could she not? Even if it was just for nine months and not one day more… She was her daughter.

THE END


End file.
